A Raven Understood
by Super Sheba
Summary: Kaoru holds on by mere threads as she feels the cruel stares of society upon, and she only longs to be accepted for who she is. One man can return her fire, but the question is: will he?


**A Raven Understood**

Will I never be a normal young woman? Will I never find myself in a world in which I am accepted for who I am? Will I never be allowed to live without the condescending stares of others constantly attacking me and further deepening the pain within my soul? My heart tells me that I must ignore these harsh gazes, and yet, I am unable to free my mind from the whispers and fingers pointed at me as I walk about town. I have tried to costume myself in soft, pastel colored kimonos in hopes that people might forget my oddity, but rumors erase the truth and reveal my true self. Perhaps it is foolish to attempt to hide my identity, but somehow it cries to be the only solution. I must keep myself behind this veil and pray that someone will accept me for who I am. It is my only choice.

I stare in the mirror at myself and clutch the dark blue ribbon tied within my hair. One of the few things I am clothed in that belongs to my real person. Stepping angrily, I stare at my reflection and almost snarl at it. Unladylike, I know, but the image stays within my mind. Perfectly aware am I that I am no goddess, but I must question as to whether I am so homely as the townspeople's looks indicate. Fist around the ribbon, I pull it from my ebony locks and thrust it at the ground in a rough throw. My foot creeps close to the ribbon, subconsciously wanting to destroy the evidence of my strange life. Still, I cannot let go of its memories, and before I can stomp on it, I rescue it from the ground and cradle it in my arms. At one point in time, I yelled at the man who soiled my ribbon, but now I treasure it and every scarlet droplet littering its silky material. Every droplet of his blood upon that ribbon reminds me of him and his eyes. The eyes that look at me as a person and not a misguided little girl.

Taking a step towards my closet, I put on a kimono of a rich mauve, adorned with white lilies, and add a golden obi. I close my shoji and stumble towards the porch, scolding myself mentally for my clumsiness, and continue in such a fashion until I reach the stream. Tiny fish are swishing their tails about and playing with one another in between the smooth gray rocks of the riverbed. Within the sapphire sky, sweet sparrows glide on the cool spring breeze and chirp as though they are laughing gaily at the actions of the fish below them. One of the birds, though, is alone and sits on a tree branch singing a more mournful tune than that of the others. It seems to realize that it is being shunned and sticks its mahogany head under its wing to groom itself. Just like me, changing itself in order for the fellow members of its species to speak to it and invite it to be with them. Closing my eyes, I attempt to shove away the image, but I fail. Surely this angelic bird proves that I am not alone, but the pangs of pain still exist within me. My hands reach up to tame my wild black hair as it dances in the wind, and I finger it. The hair is as a raven, despised by the rest of the world for its practices. How pathetic I am, wallowing around in dirty self-pity.

Trying with much effort, I remove my hands from my hair and twiddle a blade of succulent grass between my fingers, telling myself that I am only unique and special in my own way. I know that I am surely kidding myself with gentle words that a mother would whisper soothingly to her child. However, I was raised by my father, and no matter how loving of a man he was, he spoke the truth with no regards to its harshness. He always told me that I needed to be strong and ignore the looks I would receive. Funny how no one else believes that the right thing to do save my true friend, and me, of course.

I hear footsteps, but I ignore them. It's probably just Yahiko taking the long way to work at the Akabeko in hopes of seeing Tsubame, the lovebird; the sparrow still has my attention, and I reach out with my hands as I rise into a standing position. Hands cupped around the little bird, I return to the ground and begin to stroke its feathers. The feathers are soft, and the bird is warm. It doesn't shiver in my grasp, but it nervously walks around and tries to flap its wings. Opening my hands, I give the creature space. Brown wings stop beating, and the bird settles down, hopping about upon my hand and arms, looking for food. Giving it freedom is extraordinary in the sense that it seems to calm its heart. This reaction is so human-like. With the space an individual needs, he feels less threatened by his surroundings, be he human or beast. He feels less judged and forgets the eyes that see him. Phenomena such as this are so unexplainable but so obvious, yet people still fail to see them. Maybe their blindness is what makes them judgmental in the first place, because they cannot see what is inside a person.

The footsteps cease to sound. Yahiko must have gone by quickly when he saw me, probably making a strange face and mouthing the words "witch" and "ugly." That kid is always trying to rile me up, but at least he values me as I am. He's such a joker. Then again, he is a kid, and kids are so innocent that they love people no matter what they are. It's sad that not all peoplecan have that innocence. I have come to dread the time my apprentice grows up, knowing that he'll become just like those other people. Something in me gives me hope though, because he's different too. I think his heart is too strong to accept society's ideals. He is stubborn as a mule, but someday I will be thankful for that.

These thoughts only return me to my sad confusion though, as my imagination shapes a future for me within the society I know so well. It's cold and grey, like rain clouds in a stormy sky, and I'm alone. My dojo is still my home, but it has no students. Friends I treasured are gone. There's a letter on the gate of the dojo, stating that the property is condemned and will be burned down within the week. Letters of a friendly sort sit on a table in my room next to my futon; however, the dates of the top and recent-most letters are those from several years ago. Sano was seeing the world with his fiancée, a certain Megumi Takani, and they were to return home in three months for their marriage. They never came. Even worse, the last letter in regards to Kenshin stated that he was a missing person. The black envelope came from the Japanese army, in which Kenshin was serving to further atone for his debts, and despite the fact that it only said he had disappeared, I got a hollow feeling in my stomach. I couldn't help but believe he had been killed, and it broke my heart. As for Yahiko, he is in Tokyo somewhere with Tsubame. I am physically alone. Completely alone. Society has turned its back on me even though I never turned my back on it. The only reason I live is for Kenshin. My mind tells me that he is no longer alive, but I can feel the presence of his spirit around me, and my heart clings to the hope that he is alive. I can never lose that hope. I refuse to let it die. I never got a letter pronouncing him dead, and until then my soul protects the hope within me with everything within me. It's difficult to lose hope in the man that showed such promise in his daily actions.

Shaking my head I blink as I realize tears have formed in my eyes. It's hard for me to believe someone who appears so strong could weep over fictitious events. I look down at my weathered hands to see that the bird is gone. My hand reaches around me to smooth out my hair, when I feel movement on top of my head. A sad smile briefly graces my face. Two birds of a feather flock together.

Hearing a rustle in the grass, I look behind me and my eyes fall upon deep orbs of amethyst. Those eyes look at me in concern and the tender voice within the approaching being's lungs begins to speak softly.

"K…Kenshin!" I gasp out in surprise. My senses have been deadened in my sadness, another mistake on my part. When you live with an ex-assassin, you have to be ready for anything. "What are you doing here, and why on earth are you lugging around the laundry?"

He closes his eyes as though he is tired and explains, "Well, I was trying to do the laundry, when Sano came up to me and asked me to go gambling with him, that he did. I think he'd had too much sake, because his breath was laced with the scent of alcohol. I figured that if I came here, I could finish the laundry in peace."

Laundry: Kenshin's favorite pastime.

"Oh." I give a simple answer. "I guess that's true."

Kenshin puts a hand behind his head in an almost apologetic manner.

"Kaoru-dono?" he asks as he sits down next to me and lifts a delicate finger to my cheek and wipes away my tears. "You are upset, that you are. What is the matter?"

"Nothing's wrong!" I answer in an almost sharp tone. He shrinks back and hesitates, then puts his other hand atop my arm. "What gives you the idea that something is wrong?"

"You cannot hide your frustration from me, Kaoru-dono." he states gently. His hand slides until it meets mine and he grasps it. I say nothing and hide my tear-stained face from his view, but he can feel my body shaking. "You've been rather distant today and you didn't eat a bite of your breakfast. I don't think I made such a terrible breakfast this morning, that I do not."

For a moment my depression is overcome by Kenshin's statement and I give a short laugh. Typical Kenshin, poking fun at himself to dig deeper into someone's thoughts.

"Of course it wasn't." I respond to his statement in a somewhat shaky voice and curse my instability as my stomach begins to ache with lack of food. "I…I just wasn't hungry."

"There has to be some sort of reason that you weren't hungry." He is intent on drawing out the reason for which I am upset. "You don't exactly starve yourself, that you do not."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I exclaim angrily as I picture myself in my mind. I am most definitely not fat. I'm not a stick, but definitely not obese.

"Maa, maa, that's not what I meant, Kaoru-dono!" he cuts in, attempting to stop my shouting. "Please, tell me what is bothering you. I promise you can trust me."

"I know that I can trust you, Kenshin," I reply as I relax my arm a bit and accept his grasp. His fingers weave between mine and he gives my hand a squeeze. "I know that with all of my heart. But it's my own battle."

"But Kaoru-dono---" he pauses. "It seems to me that you're doing exactly as you beg me not to."

I blink in realization, wanting to slap myself for my idiocy. The entire time that I had been trying to disclose my feelings from Kenshin, I had been disobeying my own life philosophy.

"G…Gomen nasai, Kenshin." I stutter, the end of my response nearly inaudible. "It's just that… that I don't think you can help me in this."

"Of course not, if you never speak of it," he answers me in assurance with a nod of his head.

"It's merely a trifle, Kenshin." I say quietly with the intent of again driving Kenshin away from my distress. Of course I feel no better than before for breaking my own policy, but I cannot further his burdens. "There is no need to worry."

"And perhaps there is not, but I cannot help but worry, Kaoru-dono." Kenshin looks at me intently as he speaks and reaches the hand once upon my cheek to finger the ribbon in my hair. "I care about your well-being."

"I know, I know." I am bewildered by his interest in the ribbon. It really isn't important to anyone but me.

"Is that the ribbon you loaned me when I fought Jineh?" he asks me with curiosity as he turns his head to look at my face.

"Yes." I answer as a blush tinges my cheeks. "It makes me feel closer to you."

His hand is still playing with the ribbon in my hair, and I can tell he is thinking about something.

"What are you…" I begin to ask, but am interrupted by Kenshin's musings.

"You're a strange woman, Kaoru," he comments with caress in his voice. It confuses me, but I become silent and concentrate on the words flowing from Kenshin. "But, I think, that is why I love you the way I do. No one is quite like you. Everyone else can be so dishonest without even trying. You're unafraid to voice your opinions, unafraid to be yourself. It's amazing, how clear you are and how you possess so many true intentions. Your heart cares for others more than itself, but it has not completely lost the yearnings of a human. Imperfections are present, but I have no desire to spend the rest of my life with a piece of perfection. I truly do not."

I gasp. Unable to believe what I hear, I shake my head, which dislodges his fingers from my ribbon. They are bizarre to me, his words. My tears were precisely for my fear of being myself, but within me I am sure he knows this. With his now free arm, he pulls me into him in a warm embrace. My breasts meet his firm chest as my face leans upon his shoulder in a relaxed yet surprised position. His arms are around me, my own glued to my sides. The warmth and tenderness seems so familiar, but my mind cannot recall as to where I have before felt this gentleness. Thoughts scattering in all directions, my own body is the only thing that knows its actions, for I unconsciously wrap my arms around his neck. It is as though this has happened before, but my soul is refusing to let the previous finish be repeated, as though my arms are chaining Kenshin to Tokyo, to my home, to me.

"Do you..." I begin to whisper. "Is what you say true?"

Kenshin does not answer, but his arms strengthen their hold around me in silent reply, and tears begin to trickle down my cheeks. But these tears are different, warm, without a trace of hurt or sorrow. I bury my face into his gi and inhale deeply, his scent of sandalwood soothing me. Senses still reeling, my mind still fails to interact with my emotions, and without thinking, I utter three words. Three words. Three words that could shatter my peace. Three words that could end my life. Three words that could bring me unspeakable joy.

"I love you."

He only continues to embrace me, unable to speak, and I am as the same, yet I know we both long to express the wholeness of our feelings. His smile falls upon me. I cannot see it, but a true smile from him is unmistakable. Lips open to speak.

"Kaoru." he says lovingly. There is not much to say, but I understand his intentions.

The loss of one word in a name; it is his acceptance. He is no longer afraid to grow close to me. He is no longer forced to simply protect me physically from harm. He is no longer afraid to love me.

And so I answer my own questions that I had, just this morning, sadly asked myself. I will never be a normal woman. I will never be looked upon with normal gaze. I will have to hide my true self behind softly colored kimonos.

But this time, there is a difference. This time, I am happy. Happy because I will never have to hide myself from him.

Him.

Kenshin.


End file.
